The Breakthrough session started with my coach asking me to close my eyes and follow her soft, hypnotic voice:
“I want you to pay attention to your senses, relax, use your breath and imaginative power to go on a time traveling journey. Go back in time as far as your subconscious mind will intuitively allow.
“ How old were you when you forgot who you were and something threw you out of your blissful state as a child?”
I was 2.
“ Where were you? What were you doing? Who was with you? Put yourself back in time as if it were happening in the here and now”
I am outside our house near the faucet and my father is standing off to the side. I am scared and confused because everyone is frantic. There’s a fire. My father is yelling. I can sense his disappointment. He is using a tone I have never heard before and has a facial expression that scares me. I feel like something is expected of me and I can’t do it. I feel lost and scared and I want to retreat. I am frozen and I want to cry but I can’t.
My coach encouraged me to scan my body for where the feelings of that moment show up.
My chest and throat felt constricted.
She encouraged me to take care of my 2 year old self.
I hugged myself and began to whisper over and over: “It’s ok, let it go.” Then the constricted feeling got more intense and I felt the need to release the pressure so I got up and began shaking my arms and hands vigorously and I could feel the sensation move to my hands. It felt like bees were buzzing and looking for an escape. I shook my hands over and over, until the sensation left.
My coach then asked me to scan my body again to see if any other sensations showed up anywhere else.
I took a few deep breaths and realized I had a knot in my stomach that I tried to breathe through but it seemed to have a reverse effect and began making me nauseous, eventually sending me to the bathroom to throw up numerous times.
When the breakthrough experience was over, my coach prompted me to identify the belief my two-year-old self adopted about myself, others, and the world, which had been unconsciously shaping the blueprint I followed in my life.
I thought back to the experience and realized that because I couldn’t turn on the faucet which was nearby me, I formulated the thought that I have to do something-and whatever I do- it has to be right to earn love from others. I adopted this motto and lived by it faithfully for 59 years. I became a perfectionist, a people pleasure, and a productivity queen.
In 2019 alone I gave a Tedx Talk, finished 8th in my age group in a 16 mile mountain bike race, was awarded Educator of the Year, entered Toastmaster Speech contests, and challenged myself to take a hot air balloon ride. But it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, no matter what I did. It was exhausting and defeating because I could never appreciate the life I had created and the person I have become.
This breakthrough coaching session finally stopped my unending cycle of needing to achieve the next big thing, be productive, challenge myself, better myself.
I knew I had to interrupt the maddening pattern so I began searching. I read books, listened to podcasts, listened to other people’s stories and then I found Sylvia at a Virtual summit. Her conviction caught my attention. She was straightforward and passionate about the power we all have to transform our own lives. I signed up for her free 90 minute coaching session. I was nervous because I knew she would push me. During the session I felt challenged by her questions, which rooted out what I really wanted my life to look like moving forward. I had a vision but I was not confident that I could make it happen so I invested in myself by hiring her as my coach. In my 3rd session with her, she gently guided me through a breakthrough that has since transformed my life.
I discovered a very unhealthy set of beliefs that were acting as my filter for every aspect of my life, like: you have to do something in order to earn love, and I can only rely on myself, I have to protect myself, etc; With this awareness, I am now able to reframe how I see myself, others, and the world. I now believe I am lovable no matter what I do or say.
The change in my behavior didn’t happen overnight. I have had to work on catching myself when I feel triggered. As soon as I feel triggered I am questioning the thoughts that I am having and tracing them back to the origin of my childhood blueprint. I think about what the facts are versus the lies. I am frequently challenging myself when I get in a situation where I feel my armor go up. I am so grateful I have been able to start over, develop a new blueprint and see myself in a loving way.
All of us have faced traumas, big or small, that have kept us living in fear. It’s time to examine those old blueprints—our childhood viewpoints—through the eyes of our adult selves. We have the wisdom and understanding now to recognize what we didn’t know then, to reframe and reshape our beliefs about ourselves and the world.
